And so the time has come for a bonus post again, and this time I’m gonna be talking about my one of my favourite series of games – Final Fantasy. However, its not all sunshine and daisies as far as brilliance in concerned, as somehow each game has at least one character that really makes you beg for them to get the Aeris treatment. And by that of course, I mean they die horribly.
It’s true that most characters have a moment where they start to get on your nerves a little, I’m gonna talk about the ones that really started to get under my skin. Having not played the thirteenth instalment yet (I didn’t really like the recent games all that much, and thirteen is an unlucky number after all) – incoming is a list of the most annoying character for the six numbered games before.
Health Warning: Take a chill pill before reading.
Final Fantasy 6 – Relm
Does she even look human?
Ah Relm. I must admit that I actually have only played FF6 recently, despite being such a fan of the series. While most of the characters were a little bit underdeveloped due to the sheer number of them, Relm had a personality that certainly made her stand out from the crowd. A shame that’s because it was so god awful. This game definitely had some cool cats (Edgar and Sabin for example), but Relm really pissed me off, for a number of reasons.
The main reason I guess is her age – we are expected to believe that this tiny girl is ten years old. Despite this, it only takes a couple of minutes for her to persuade your party to take her along, and then you are stuck with her forever. It really is stretching it, trying to make us believe that this ten year old girl is equal in power to a man training in martial arts for the past decade, or a genetically enhanced supersoldier. Just adding to how unrealistic she is, her special skill she brings to the game is drawing enemies. Yeah, she draws them as a special attack. All of this combined, it really kicks the idea of Kefka being any threat at all in the nads, as lets face it – he got beaten by a ten year old girl, literally.
A final point of complaint is that when it comes down to it, Relm is actually a douche. While a lot of the characters support each other, Relm instead resorts to blackmail and threats, insulting people making foolish decisions and generally making a nuisance of herself. The scene where she joined the party was just depressing, watching her threaten to paint my martial arts expect and causing everyone to run around in panic. All I thought was, ugh, please, let me change characters already.
Final Fantasy 7 – Yuffie
I've never been able to figure out what that weird arm thing is.
Irritation to the bloody max. Yuffie may even top the list of incredibly annoying characters here, because she really is annoying as hell. Seeing as Final Fantasy 7 is so popular, she appears in several different games (and the film Advent Children) yet somehow managed to make herself a pain in the rear in every single one.
Let’s start with the obvious: the original game of FF7. Anyone who has played this I’m sure remembers the first time they went to Wutai – and instantly regretted it. Yuffie instantly stabs you in the back and steals all of your materia, making it almost impossible to continue the game without completing an annoying sidequest. This cripples you massively, and hit me far harder than Cait Sith – kidnapping a child is nothing compared to stealing my precious abilities! Yet, even after you complete the sidequest and she returns to you, the pain doesn’t even end then. She tries to be helpful and reequips your material for you – only to get it completely wrong, and screw it up entirely. Welcome to ten minutes of screwing around in menu screens putting everything right again – and for barely any reward I might add.
But it doesn’t end there. In Crisis Core, a Final Fantasy 7 spinoff, Yuffie returns as a brat who cries constantly and once again, steals your stuff. Being the kind of addict that needs to complete everything 100%, having to sit through the side missions with an 11 year old Yuffie bawling her eyes out while pretending to act tough is very painful. I almost wanted to just not bother, but damn that Bahamut Fury reward. I just couldn’t.
Then of course, there’s Advent Children. Thankfully Yuffie only plays a very small part in the film and as such only has a couple of lines –but lo and behold, her two lines are so painful to listen to, I ran for the nearest sharp object to hack my own ears off with. Easily the worst line in the entire film is when Vincent describes Kadaj as a “sort of larval form”, where she replies:
“LARVA?! YOU MEAN HES AN INSECT?!”
Dear lord Yuffie, to take a leaf out of Lelouch vi Britannia’s book – “Never speak again!” Thank god she got a similar reply out of someone, even if it was a magical Scottish cat.
Final Fantasy 8 – Irvine
The cowboy outfit doesn't have great connotations either.
This was a very close call between Irvine and Selphie I must admit, as both of them are annoying in their own way – though admittedly less so than most of the other characters on this list. However, in the end I chose Irvine simply because he was so good gameplay wise, it compels you to use him despite his personality.
In a game series renowned for its feminine looking blokes, Irvine surely comes somewhere near the top of this list. Perhaps this is partly because of the 3D graphics not quite being perfected yet, but no, I think he really is meant to look a bit girly. Despite this, he has more confidence with women than even Tiger Woods – in fact one of his first lines when asked what his department is, is “Guns and Women.” With such a cocky attitude on a character entering so late in the game (near the end of the first disc) I certainly had high expectations of this newcomer.
And then I was severely disappointed. Despite his boasts of being the best shooter in his school, he fails miserably. On the first mission the team are given together, to assassinate a sorceress, Irvine turns from arrogant and cocky to incredibly emo and whiney in the space of a second. He then proceeds to have a mental breakdown, and cry about how he can’t perform under pressure. He then screws up his shot entirely, leaving it up to Squall to actually get results.
But wait, the failing doesn’t end there. Shortly after, Irvine follows Squall to battle her up in close quarters, claiming that he has to redeem himself – within seconds, Squall is stabbed in the chest with a massive icicle bringing him to within an inch of his life, the entire team is captured and put in prison, and Squall is brutally tortured. Well done Irvine, you really know how to impress us as soon as you hit the scene eh?
Using his contacts to get himself out of prison, Irvine then leaves all your characters to rot in jail. He actually drives several miles away before being literally assaulted, to persuade him to go back to help the others. Great character there. Thanks Irvine, we know we can trust you.
Final Fantasy 9 – Eiko
Hope someone in the party can change nappies.
And here a pattern emerges – another character, this time even younger than Relm. Eiko is in fact, in her in-game representation, only six years old. Yet again we are supposed to believe this six year old is capable of standing up to a Knight Captain, a bounty hunter or an Angel of Death? I, quite frankly, don’t buy it.
Despite being only six years old, Eiko quickly develops a massive crush on the main character, and constantly plots against his actual love interest so she can gain his attention. Yet, doesn’t this strike you as odd? She got her hormones seriously early it would appear, so early that the game is bordering on condoning paedophilia. She persists with these attempts to gain his affection almost constantly throughout the game, yet the other characters seem painfully oblivious to it. It is up to us, the gamers, to shoulder the pain alone it would appear.
It is revealed at one point however that Eiko is really just afraid of being alone, which I suppose would be understandable considering her entire family is meant to be dead, though it does raise questions as to how she has managed to survive by herself for so long – she must’ve been even younger when they left. It’s still painfully hard to sympathise with her as the only dialogue she ever really gets is flirting with her ‘love interest’. One thing is for sure – I didn’t use her, and I never intend to.
Final Fantasy 10 – Rikku
Oh Rikku... what did they do to you?
Alright, granted in Final Fantasy X, Rikku actually isn’t that bad. Sure, she has what can only be described as a … unique personality, and her patronising tones to the entire party can be annoying at times. However, when it comes down to it, she does have decent dialogue to contribute and it is nice to have someone so upbeat when the majority of characters are so depressing.
But no, what really pisses me off about Rikku is her performance in that atrocity we call FFX-2. Suddenly her loudness, her use of pet names and her cocky attitude increase tenfold – all this, and the game forces you to use her. She easily has the worst dialogue out of the three main characters in this instalment, but is obviously built up to try and bring humour to the game. However, it seems like the translators missed out one crucial point.
SHE ISN’T BLOODY FUNNY.
Instead, she is just annoying as all hell. The scenes when she doesn’t make an appearance become a complete blessing – just play it, and you will notice that the few times she isn’t there for whatever reason, everything seems quieter. You will live for the times when she finally shuts her trap, because one thing’s for sure, she won’t have anything interesting to say. It’s even worse when she pairs up with her brother (strangely his name is Brother, this is never really explained) as they are both as insane as each other. The times when this happens, you had best mash the skip dialogue key as fast as you can, because you can be sure it’s not gonna be pleasant.
She also has this annoying habit of latching onto Yuna and trying to leech off her fame. Don’t get me wrong, Rikku was there in FFX and so is entitled to a bit of love, but it seems like instead of getting credit where credit was due, she has no choice but to stick to Yuna like a parasite. This is especially strange in the couple of scenes when Yuna is asked to do a concert or perform in front of others (if you haven’t played it, don’t ask – it makes as little sense as it sounds), and Rikku just appears behind her as if trying to remind everyone she’s still there. Maybe that’s why she’s so loud too. Feel a little bit guilty but I can’t deny it – Rikku, you are a pain in arse.
Final Fantasy 12 – Vaan
Seriously, what is he wearing?
Yeah, I’m guessing anyone who knows anything about FF12 saw this one coming. It’s true that this was a close call between Vaan and Penelo, but sadly the loser is arguably the main character. And I think I speak for everyone when I say the main character should never, ever, be annoying. Yet Vaan fits this description perfectly. A homeless kid who gets involved in situations he really should avoid, Vaan dresses like a male prostitute and hangs around with a group of similar homeless and exiled individuals who presumably see a likeminded spirit in the fellow. Little do they know just what they are getting themselves into –a hugely long adventure involving endless desert, with a voice like her permanently has a cold whining the whole way.
One of the things that really annoyed me about Vaan is just how insignificant he is. Square really tried something new here by having the main character be unimportant in the story, but instead being more like the narrator of how it all takes place – he is more of an observer than a major player. However, this really doesn’t combine with his awful personality too well. When a character acts like an arse and has no relation to the plot, I have to wonder why they couldn’t just remove him. He just isn’t likeable.
Not only that but, as Vaan starts as a homeless kid, you start the game as a small scale thief. Picking the pockets of guards for a few spare gil, sneaking into the sewers to break into hidden places – you get the drill. Throughout all this, Vaan dreams to become a sky pirate – a select group of bandits with airships, travelling the world as they see fit and ignoring the boundaries placed by empires and civilisations. So, what does Vaan do when you complete the game and have collected enough gil to fund a small country? Vaan buys an airship and becomes a sky pirate. This baffles me slightly, as now that you are rich, why would you choose to break the law? Surely Vaan could live an easier life.
Also, with all that money, buy some new damn clothes. Just a small tip Vaan.
Conclusion
So that’s the most annoying characters from the past six Final Fantasy games. If you haven’t played these games, you might notice that Final Fantasy 11 is missing – that’s because it’s an MMORPG, and so it doesn’t really count.
A few of them were close calls though, as the likes of Wakka, Selphie and Penelo had quite a few moments of aggravation themselves. It kind of seems like, Final Fantasy makes characters to try to appeal to everyone – and thus it also makes characters in each game to annoy just as many people. Kind of funny. Maybe I’ll make a list of the best characters in future – we will just have to wait and see!
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